So it's been a while and as a good friend asked me if there were going to be any more posts, I decided to oblige him and write a new one. Although it should be noted that I started on this song a while ago, I just forgot about it.
John Legend's Take Me away:
Take me away from here/Take me away where love is like breathing/I don't care where we go 'long as I'm there with you
As many of you know, I love traveling so as one might expect I love this song mostly because it's about going away and who wouldn't like that? Don't get me wrong I like Nashville but it's getting old just like St. Louis got old with me too (though I will admit there is always a special place in my heart for the STL). Anyways, I like this song because I would love to be taken away to place where love is like breathing, especially because indeed if you're with the right person it doesn't matter where you are, if you're together, you're happy and life is good.
I came to the realization recently that I have been running most of my life whether literally or mentally. It is for this reason that I really love this song. The song talks about a girl who has "been through pain [you] could only dream/nightmares live where you live." And I guess I can relate to that. The feeling that your pain is so great, so extreme that you feel completely alone. I'm no stranger to that feeling and what do we do, in the face of such great pain and misery? We want to be taken away from here, this place of pain and it really doesn't matter where we go as long as we're with that one special person, it is good.
The song is pretty simple but it's message sticks with me. Even in just listening I feel that it takes me away and for a moment everything's alright. It truly has become one of my favourite's for that reason and I am also aware that you can only run away for so long before things catch up with it. It is this part that I'm still wrestling with. So that's all I have for you for now. We'll try to do better with this blog from now on.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
The Unthinkable
“If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy…. You give me a feeling that I never felt before and I deserve it, I know I deserve it.”
I was recently involved in a rendezvous with a young man that was the unthinkable. The two of us becoming a couple could have made us look crazy, particularly me. But I think the people who knew us best may have said it was so beautiful. I don’t know. It never went anywhere, and perhaps this was because I could notand even now still am not able to honestly say the next words in the song. “If you ask me I’m ready”. I got the “You give me a feeling that I never felt before, and the “I think I deserve it, I know I deserve it”. After one point, it was pretty hard (but not impossible) to ignore, but I still could not say I was ready. But then again are we ever really ready for the intensity, twists, turns, and obligations of love? Readiness is particularly a struggle for those of us who have been hurt in the past. I guess the damage to heart effects its readiness to be vulnerable to more potential damage. I guess that’s a good thing. A sort of protection. I have to believe that when enough healing is complete my heart and mind will be ready to start something new with a Mr. Unthinkable. I like the last verses of the song. “I can't say I came prepared. I’m suspended in the air. Won’t you come be in the sky with me?” I just love the concept of just being in each other's presence together. We don’t have to fly or even drift. Let’s just be here with each other during this moment. That is definitely what unthinkable and I had. We just enjoyed each other during the time that we had together. No pressuring conversations about commitment and expectations. We just enjoyed each other’s company. There was nothing dirty or lustful about it. Our intentions were honorable and pure. We just liked being with each other, but now Mr. Unthinkable has left the city…. I must say I miss the feeling that I had when I was with him. Thinking about it makes the unthinkable sound more and more like nice idea.
I was recently involved in a rendezvous with a young man that was the unthinkable. The two of us becoming a couple could have made us look crazy, particularly me. But I think the people who knew us best may have said it was so beautiful. I don’t know. It never went anywhere, and perhaps this was because I could notand even now still am not able to honestly say the next words in the song. “If you ask me I’m ready”. I got the “You give me a feeling that I never felt before, and the “I think I deserve it, I know I deserve it”. After one point, it was pretty hard (but not impossible) to ignore, but I still could not say I was ready. But then again are we ever really ready for the intensity, twists, turns, and obligations of love? Readiness is particularly a struggle for those of us who have been hurt in the past. I guess the damage to heart effects its readiness to be vulnerable to more potential damage. I guess that’s a good thing. A sort of protection. I have to believe that when enough healing is complete my heart and mind will be ready to start something new with a Mr. Unthinkable. I like the last verses of the song. “I can't say I came prepared. I’m suspended in the air. Won’t you come be in the sky with me?” I just love the concept of just being in each other's presence together. We don’t have to fly or even drift. Let’s just be here with each other during this moment. That is definitely what unthinkable and I had. We just enjoyed each other during the time that we had together. No pressuring conversations about commitment and expectations. We just enjoyed each other’s company. There was nothing dirty or lustful about it. Our intentions were honorable and pure. We just liked being with each other, but now Mr. Unthinkable has left the city…. I must say I miss the feeling that I had when I was with him. Thinking about it makes the unthinkable sound more and more like nice idea.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Paris, Tokyo
I have found a new love for Lupe Fiasco. My brother listens to him a lot but I never got into him until I heard "I'm Beamin." If you haven't already heard this song, you should definitely take a listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7D2JA3kCpiQ&playnext_from=TL&videos=a3dpC7npWTI&feature=rec-LGOUT-exp_fresh+div-1r-6-HM
Anyways, all this is to say that I love Lupe Fiasco and it is through "I'm Beamin" that I began consuming his music in large quantities like any addict would. Regardless, I came across a particular song that I wanted to write about because it struck a chord with me.
"Paris, Tokyo" recounts the life of a rap star (aka Lupe) and his relationship with his girl. He travels a lot but she is always on his mind and he keeps her in his heart. Very cute. If only the truth of long distance relationships was that simple, but I've been through several and let me tell you they never are.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pp2uqGLNm5k
My track record with long distance relationships isn't a good one. Relationships are hard without the added difficulty of being apart most of the time. Yet I found myself in more than one which of course begs the question: why? Why would someone go through the pain and pleasure of a long distance relationship? I guess I could say that maybe I felt like I had no other options or that my desire to be with that person far outweighed my doubts about a long distance relationship. I guess I tired because I wanted to believe that we could make it work despite the obvious obstacles.
This is just one side to this song though. To me, another part of the song resonated with me and that was about travel.
Let's go to Paris/Wake up in Tokyo/Have a dream in New Orleans/Fall in love in Chicago/Then we can land in the Motherland/Camelback across the desert sand/Take a train to Rome or home/Brazil for real...
My life has revolved around traveling for a very long time. My parents were both raised in New Jersey but as we never lived there, we were constantly traveling to get there whether it was from South Carolina where I was born, Michigan where one of my brothers was born or St. Louis where I spent most of my life. We always traveled and I have become an addict especially after a semester in South Africa. So yes, I love this song because it talks about traveling all across the world and I can't imagine anything better.
Except one thing. The love and security that one person can bring. I cannot help but think that I cannot have both. I find it hard to believe that I can travel and still maintain a relationship. That's hard. Do I have to sacrifice one for the other or is there a way I can have both? This has been a thought on my mind a lot as I try to figure out what exactly I want to do after graduation (a year from now).
But I also cannot help but think that I am going about this all wrong. Whose to say I cannot have it all? Travel and a great relationship. I reminded of a line I heard somewhere (I cannot recall where) that goes "Your playing small does not glorify Him." So me tripping over trying to pick between a relationship and travel is foolish. Mostly because it is a choice I don't have to make currently but the thoughts still haunt me. I love travel but can I really have both?
I have express my doubts, now let's look at the possibilities. While in South Africa before we lost both our resident director and teacher, those of us in SA were fortunate enough to have two great people whose passion for South Africa was absolutely intoxicating AND they were married AND had a son. They amazed me because before then and still now I cannot imagine that reality. (They were American, btw). So I guess it is a possibility so perhaps I should not worry. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. I just have to careful. Am I willing to sacrifice travel for a boy? I'm not sure about the answer to that but I know that this guy better be pretty special for me to do all that. I'm just glad as of yet I do not have to make that choice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7D2JA3kCpiQ&playnext_from=TL&videos=a3dpC7npWTI&feature=rec-LGOUT-exp_fresh+div-1r-6-HM
Anyways, all this is to say that I love Lupe Fiasco and it is through "I'm Beamin" that I began consuming his music in large quantities like any addict would. Regardless, I came across a particular song that I wanted to write about because it struck a chord with me.
"Paris, Tokyo" recounts the life of a rap star (aka Lupe) and his relationship with his girl. He travels a lot but she is always on his mind and he keeps her in his heart. Very cute. If only the truth of long distance relationships was that simple, but I've been through several and let me tell you they never are.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pp2uqGLNm5k
My track record with long distance relationships isn't a good one. Relationships are hard without the added difficulty of being apart most of the time. Yet I found myself in more than one which of course begs the question: why? Why would someone go through the pain and pleasure of a long distance relationship? I guess I could say that maybe I felt like I had no other options or that my desire to be with that person far outweighed my doubts about a long distance relationship. I guess I tired because I wanted to believe that we could make it work despite the obvious obstacles.
This is just one side to this song though. To me, another part of the song resonated with me and that was about travel.
Let's go to Paris/Wake up in Tokyo/Have a dream in New Orleans/Fall in love in Chicago/Then we can land in the Motherland/Camelback across the desert sand/Take a train to Rome or home/Brazil for real...
My life has revolved around traveling for a very long time. My parents were both raised in New Jersey but as we never lived there, we were constantly traveling to get there whether it was from South Carolina where I was born, Michigan where one of my brothers was born or St. Louis where I spent most of my life. We always traveled and I have become an addict especially after a semester in South Africa. So yes, I love this song because it talks about traveling all across the world and I can't imagine anything better.
Except one thing. The love and security that one person can bring. I cannot help but think that I cannot have both. I find it hard to believe that I can travel and still maintain a relationship. That's hard. Do I have to sacrifice one for the other or is there a way I can have both? This has been a thought on my mind a lot as I try to figure out what exactly I want to do after graduation (a year from now).
But I also cannot help but think that I am going about this all wrong. Whose to say I cannot have it all? Travel and a great relationship. I reminded of a line I heard somewhere (I cannot recall where) that goes "Your playing small does not glorify Him." So me tripping over trying to pick between a relationship and travel is foolish. Mostly because it is a choice I don't have to make currently but the thoughts still haunt me. I love travel but can I really have both?
I have express my doubts, now let's look at the possibilities. While in South Africa before we lost both our resident director and teacher, those of us in SA were fortunate enough to have two great people whose passion for South Africa was absolutely intoxicating AND they were married AND had a son. They amazed me because before then and still now I cannot imagine that reality. (They were American, btw). So I guess it is a possibility so perhaps I should not worry. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. I just have to careful. Am I willing to sacrifice travel for a boy? I'm not sure about the answer to that but I know that this guy better be pretty special for me to do all that. I'm just glad as of yet I do not have to make that choice.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Hey Ladies
Why is that men can do us wrong? Why is that we just decided to keep holding on? Why is that we never seem to just have the strength to leave?
Too often I see women putting them into these situations. Bad situations. But for now, I will talk from my experience. As far as I know, I have never been in a situation where a man (or boy) has cheated on me. I am thankful for that. I cannot imagine being in that situation. But I have had situations where I should have left the relationship but I didn't. I held on, maybe because I thought things would change or maybe because I just didn't want to be alone. That's sad because I feel like I could have saved so much more time and heartache by just finding the strength to leave.
So then the question is where do you find the strength to leave, if you are in that situation (side note: this has nothing to do with something I have going on now). It can be hard, so hard to admit when a relationship has run its course especially if you have gotten to be really close friends with that person. I lost my best friend in my last relationship and that was hard to let go of. Friends can help a lot with making the decision to leave easier. If you have friends that have your back, then losing your best friend isn't as hard because you have people that can 'replace' him (though replacing someone is impossible). Also it helps to be honest with yourself. That sounds simple but I know that that has been something I have personally struggled with. If I'm honestly not happy with someone, why do I stick around? Good question. I guess it goes back to the whole loneliness thing. I don't like being alone if I can be completely honest. So I guess part of the answer is learning how to be alone. There's a line from an Indie Arie song that "sometimes I'm alone but never lonely. That's what I've come to realize"
I need to get more comfortable being alone. In truth, I am an introvert so being alone is something I do. But I have had times in my life when I am so used to being with someone that I forget how to be alone. It is a useful skill especially when it comes to a break-up. If you're ok being alone, then the break-up isn't as hard. You just have to get to that place and it may not be something that happens overnight, like most things, these things take time. So patience is key which of course is something I've always struggled with. But at least for now I have an idea on what I need to work on. I need to work on being alone but not lonely. Sounds easy enough. Now to do like Nike and just do it. What's stopping you?
Too often I see women putting them into these situations. Bad situations. But for now, I will talk from my experience. As far as I know, I have never been in a situation where a man (or boy) has cheated on me. I am thankful for that. I cannot imagine being in that situation. But I have had situations where I should have left the relationship but I didn't. I held on, maybe because I thought things would change or maybe because I just didn't want to be alone. That's sad because I feel like I could have saved so much more time and heartache by just finding the strength to leave.
So then the question is where do you find the strength to leave, if you are in that situation (side note: this has nothing to do with something I have going on now). It can be hard, so hard to admit when a relationship has run its course especially if you have gotten to be really close friends with that person. I lost my best friend in my last relationship and that was hard to let go of. Friends can help a lot with making the decision to leave easier. If you have friends that have your back, then losing your best friend isn't as hard because you have people that can 'replace' him (though replacing someone is impossible). Also it helps to be honest with yourself. That sounds simple but I know that that has been something I have personally struggled with. If I'm honestly not happy with someone, why do I stick around? Good question. I guess it goes back to the whole loneliness thing. I don't like being alone if I can be completely honest. So I guess part of the answer is learning how to be alone. There's a line from an Indie Arie song that "sometimes I'm alone but never lonely. That's what I've come to realize"
I need to get more comfortable being alone. In truth, I am an introvert so being alone is something I do. But I have had times in my life when I am so used to being with someone that I forget how to be alone. It is a useful skill especially when it comes to a break-up. If you're ok being alone, then the break-up isn't as hard. You just have to get to that place and it may not be something that happens overnight, like most things, these things take time. So patience is key which of course is something I've always struggled with. But at least for now I have an idea on what I need to work on. I need to work on being alone but not lonely. Sounds easy enough. Now to do like Nike and just do it. What's stopping you?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
What Is Love?
I have completely avoided any spirituality up until now, but it's been a while since I posted, and it seems I'm not going to have anything new to say except as it relates to my relationship with Christ. I love those times when he just completely shuts you up to anything except for himself. Or actually, I hate those times, but I can't deny that they're incredibly good for me. Like fresh spring water, right Zora?
I recently heard a new song entitled (get this) "What Is Love?" That just screams Love through song, right? So ask me why it's taken me this long to mention it. Go ahead, ask me... Well, I'm glad you asked. It's because I am the quintessential prodigal child. Yep, I'd much rather run like hell than return to my Father with my head hung in shame even though he welcomes me with arms wide open. Which brings me to the real point...love.
I recently heard a new song entitled (get this) "What Is Love?" That just screams Love through song, right? So ask me why it's taken me this long to mention it. Go ahead, ask me... Well, I'm glad you asked. It's because I am the quintessential prodigal child. Yep, I'd much rather run like hell than return to my Father with my head hung in shame even though he welcomes me with arms wide open. Which brings me to the real point...love.
What is love? Our God has heard our groaning.
And has remembered, in steadfast love, the covenant.
Christians have such a great tendency to skip all the way to Jesus. And yes, Jesus is the main point of the story. But you can look from the very beginning and see the love of God displayed so beautifully. This God, my Lord, looked down from heaven and chose a people, and he was faithful to his people through all their mess. If you read the Old Testament, you'll see. Israel is the blessed nation chosen by God, but they spit in his face over and over again. They served other gods and did not put their trust in their true Savior. Yet every time God's people humbled themselves and turned back to him, every time they started to complain and cry about the harsh bondage they had led their own selves into, God heard them and he remembered the free covenant he had made with them. And just so no one gets confused, you'll see later in this blog that I admit, I am just like Israel, and God is yet faithful to me. And I'm sure there are others who have the same testimony. Absolutely amazing.What is love? We are considered blameless
Even though, for his death, we are to blame.
What is love? The King has purchased our freedom
From ourselves, the world, and the enemy.
Well, there you go. See, I told you I'd get to the New Testament, the Jesus part. You've all heard it, and I know that no amount of words could truly express the depth of love displayed in Christ's act of sacrificial love. But I honestly don't have much to say to expound upon the main idea. What's more important for me to say right now is expressed in the final verse of this song:What is love? Our God breaks the cycles
That we find ourselves in constantly.
What is love? Our God pursues his people
Even when they turn back to their Egypts.
What is love? To die to self and selfish gain
And to trust the love that God has for us.
I heard this, and I thought Oh My God. Oh MY God. You ARE this God. Yes, you were faithful to the Israelites. Yes, you died for our sins so that we wouldn't have to pay that price. But wow, God. After all of that, you are still presently working in my life tonight, in this very moment. This moment when I feel my mind running over the same thoughts and my heart running over the same hurts, you are here, and you break that horrible cycle. That moment when I feel like I need to hide from you because I can't even remember how to pray, YOU seek after ME. What manner of love is that?! And all that you ask, the bare minimal amount of love that you desire in return for everything that you have done for me, is that I give up on these selfish things that don't fulfill me anyway. That I learn to be held by you, and trust YOUR love, the only love that will absolutely NEVER fail me. Oh my God.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
I am ready for love
"I'd quickly give my freedom to be held in your captivity"
I love this line. It amazes me. You would give away your freedom to be help captive by another person. Wow. That takes a lot of trust. You can't just give away your freedom to anyone. You have to make sure that person is worthy to hold you not just in captivity but just hold you in general. There is something about a man holding you in just the right way, so tight you feel like he'll never let you go and whatever pain or unhappiness you had just melts away....Damn, you know that feeling? That is probably one of the best feelings in the world. I get chills just thinking about it.
There are other songs like Britney Spears "Slave for You" that touch on this captivity as well. But not like this. I don't know. That's a huge statement. The fact that you would quickly give away something as precious as freedom. You have gotta be someone special if you warrant that.
I love this song because it doesn't hide from the reality of love: all of the joy and the pain. It's got both and if you can weather the pain then well, that's special. Love is so important, so powerful that even despite the past pain and hurt that love has caused I can still say that love is something I want in my life. How empty would life be without it? I can't imagine life without love, whether it's from my parents or friends or someday from that very special someone.
Love can be so consuming. It can truly feel like 'a whole new world' (not to quote Aladdin or anything). It's so beautiful. It can change you. It can heal you. It can make you into someone you never thought you could be.
I love the line: they say watch what you ask for cause you might receive. But if you ask me tomorrow, I'll say the same thing. Yeah, I'm definitely in that place. I want love, plain and simple. The good and bad. So why is that so hard to find? I don't really know, maybe I just haven't given enough 'to prove that I am ready for love.' How do you prove that you're ready for love? I don't have a clue but if anyone has an idea, please let me know because again, I say I want love in my life, true deep, painful love. What is enough to prove I am ready for love?
I feel like in writing I mostly come up with more questions than answers but regardless perhaps knowing the questions is just as important as knowing the answers. I guess time will tell.
I love this line. It amazes me. You would give away your freedom to be help captive by another person. Wow. That takes a lot of trust. You can't just give away your freedom to anyone. You have to make sure that person is worthy to hold you not just in captivity but just hold you in general. There is something about a man holding you in just the right way, so tight you feel like he'll never let you go and whatever pain or unhappiness you had just melts away....Damn, you know that feeling? That is probably one of the best feelings in the world. I get chills just thinking about it.
There are other songs like Britney Spears "Slave for You" that touch on this captivity as well. But not like this. I don't know. That's a huge statement. The fact that you would quickly give away something as precious as freedom. You have gotta be someone special if you warrant that.
I love this song because it doesn't hide from the reality of love: all of the joy and the pain. It's got both and if you can weather the pain then well, that's special. Love is so important, so powerful that even despite the past pain and hurt that love has caused I can still say that love is something I want in my life. How empty would life be without it? I can't imagine life without love, whether it's from my parents or friends or someday from that very special someone.
Love can be so consuming. It can truly feel like 'a whole new world' (not to quote Aladdin or anything). It's so beautiful. It can change you. It can heal you. It can make you into someone you never thought you could be.
I love the line: they say watch what you ask for cause you might receive. But if you ask me tomorrow, I'll say the same thing. Yeah, I'm definitely in that place. I want love, plain and simple. The good and bad. So why is that so hard to find? I don't really know, maybe I just haven't given enough 'to prove that I am ready for love.' How do you prove that you're ready for love? I don't have a clue but if anyone has an idea, please let me know because again, I say I want love in my life, true deep, painful love. What is enough to prove I am ready for love?
I feel like in writing I mostly come up with more questions than answers but regardless perhaps knowing the questions is just as important as knowing the answers. I guess time will tell.
Friday, April 2, 2010
My Angel Love Doctor
"God send me an angel from the heavens above. Send me angel to heal my broken heart from being in love..... Send me angel to wipe the tears from my eyes.... I had to tell the one that my heart adored that he can't have my love no more..... When all I wanted to do was feel your touch and to give you all of my love but you took my love for granted. Want my lovin now well now you can't have it. O God send me an angel" - "Angel" by Amanda Perez
That's surely my request. But when? When does help for the heartache come? This song makes me think of the Preacher's Wife with Whitney Houston and Denzel fineass Washington. He was her angel sent from heaven. O God please make my angel look like him! But seriously, what can this song possibly tell me and the rest of the readers of the this blog about love? It tells me that love on earth can fall apart. When it falls apart it leaves you hurt, confused, and wondering where the hell do I go from here. Who can I turn to if the one that my heart adored doesn't want my love, our love, any more? I like this songwriter's idea. God. She asks God for an angel. Now I want to make sure God sends me sometime I can hold on to so if it was me I would have just flat out asked God for a new man. But I'm sure that's not the main idea here. The main idea for me is that when love went wrong she asked God. It doesn't matter what she asked him. It just matters that she went to him. Not a club, not a chatline, not her ex-boyfriend. She turned to God. I'm sure she felt that the help that He would provide for her broken heart would be sufficient to heal her love wounds. Maybe not immediately but surely in time God would hear her prayers and send relief to take the pain away. Really. Who better to heal your heart from love than the One who formed your heart with His love? Knowing who will help is the easy answer, but time. How long will He take? Now that is the tough part. I guess I'll know when my angel love doctor finally arrives.
That's surely my request. But when? When does help for the heartache come? This song makes me think of the Preacher's Wife with Whitney Houston and Denzel fineass Washington. He was her angel sent from heaven. O God please make my angel look like him! But seriously, what can this song possibly tell me and the rest of the readers of the this blog about love? It tells me that love on earth can fall apart. When it falls apart it leaves you hurt, confused, and wondering where the hell do I go from here. Who can I turn to if the one that my heart adored doesn't want my love, our love, any more? I like this songwriter's idea. God. She asks God for an angel. Now I want to make sure God sends me sometime I can hold on to so if it was me I would have just flat out asked God for a new man. But I'm sure that's not the main idea here. The main idea for me is that when love went wrong she asked God. It doesn't matter what she asked him. It just matters that she went to him. Not a club, not a chatline, not her ex-boyfriend. She turned to God. I'm sure she felt that the help that He would provide for her broken heart would be sufficient to heal her love wounds. Maybe not immediately but surely in time God would hear her prayers and send relief to take the pain away. Really. Who better to heal your heart from love than the One who formed your heart with His love? Knowing who will help is the easy answer, but time. How long will He take? Now that is the tough part. I guess I'll know when my angel love doctor finally arrives.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Some Stevie
I love love love Stevie Wonder. There have been times in my life when all I would listen to is Stevie. He is amazing and he has so much to say about love.
One particular song that I am fond of is "As." There's a line in that song that always gives me pause:
Did you know that true love asks for nothing?
Wait, nothing? Nothing at all? I can't really wrap my brain around the concept that love, true love asks for nothing. So nothing in return, no favours. It's just...love, love for the sake of love.
I gotta say I'm not sure if I buy that. But that could be because I don't think I know what true love is, nor do I think that I've experienced it. I know I've experienced love, some form of love. But true love? I'm not even sure if there is a difference between true love and just plain old love.
But maybe I'm missing this completely. Maybe I shouldn't take this line so seriously. Obviously if it asked: did you know that true love asks for a little? That is not nearly as powerful as asking for nothing. Maybe true love only asks for a little, like all I really want is your time, your presence, you to listen and share your life with me. That doesn't seem like much, right? And yet if true love doesn't asks for much or even nothing at all, why is it that so many people get it wrong? (myself included)
I don't think I can even point to a real life (as opposed to fake life) couple who I look at and say: wow, I want to be like them some day. Honestly, there isn't. I can look on TV and find it easily, but alas, TV does not reflect reality. I have mentioned before that I'm a fan of Scrubs. My favourite couple on that show is Carla and Turk. They go through their share of tough times (at least as much as they can and still be a TV couple) and they make it. I love that. Yet it never seems that simple.
Life is hard and love seems even harder. But that doesn't stop me from trying. My experiences with love have been good and bad but I'm still hoping I'll find "that very special someone to share all [my] dreams with" (courtesy of Indie Arie "Can you be a part of my life?) That person might be hard to find but I think he's worth it and he'll think I'm worth it too :)
One particular song that I am fond of is "As." There's a line in that song that always gives me pause:
Did you know that true love asks for nothing?
Wait, nothing? Nothing at all? I can't really wrap my brain around the concept that love, true love asks for nothing. So nothing in return, no favours. It's just...love, love for the sake of love.
I gotta say I'm not sure if I buy that. But that could be because I don't think I know what true love is, nor do I think that I've experienced it. I know I've experienced love, some form of love. But true love? I'm not even sure if there is a difference between true love and just plain old love.
But maybe I'm missing this completely. Maybe I shouldn't take this line so seriously. Obviously if it asked: did you know that true love asks for a little? That is not nearly as powerful as asking for nothing. Maybe true love only asks for a little, like all I really want is your time, your presence, you to listen and share your life with me. That doesn't seem like much, right? And yet if true love doesn't asks for much or even nothing at all, why is it that so many people get it wrong? (myself included)
I don't think I can even point to a real life (as opposed to fake life) couple who I look at and say: wow, I want to be like them some day. Honestly, there isn't. I can look on TV and find it easily, but alas, TV does not reflect reality. I have mentioned before that I'm a fan of Scrubs. My favourite couple on that show is Carla and Turk. They go through their share of tough times (at least as much as they can and still be a TV couple) and they make it. I love that. Yet it never seems that simple.
Life is hard and love seems even harder. But that doesn't stop me from trying. My experiences with love have been good and bad but I'm still hoping I'll find "that very special someone to share all [my] dreams with" (courtesy of Indie Arie "Can you be a part of my life?) That person might be hard to find but I think he's worth it and he'll think I'm worth it too :)
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Doctor Love
Dr. Love sounds like a cliché term for some really cheesy guy who tries too hard. But after dating my best friend for nearly a year and a half, I’ve found that Love really is a physician and a psychiatrist. India.Arie says it so well in “Therapy” and “He Heals Me.”
What is love? I honestly can’t think of any description better than India’s. In “Therapy,” she describes a man who cares for the woman he loves:
On most days, my boyfriend would rather listen to Gang Starr than India.Arie, but I love this song because for me, these lyrics are talking about him. I have a habit of stressing out and letting small things overwhelm me. One Saturday night, I was feeling stressed after spending the entire day working on assignments and studying for an exam. I had gotten to the point where I was frustrated and depressed and tired, but I felt like I had too much work to take a break even though I desperately needed one. I was typing a paper at my boyfriend’s desk while he sat on his bed reading, and he called my name. When I turned around, he laid down his book and held out his arms for me. I went over to him, and he took me in his arms. In that moment, I felt more love for him than I had ever experienced before; it was beautiful. Without saying a word, he just held me, and it seemed like his arms were squeezing the stress out of me and replacing it with an amazing peace. He held me silently for a few minutes before I had to get back to work, but I felt completely revitalized when he let go of me. That is love.He lays me on the couch and says how has your day been?Tell me your problems; I'll help you solve them.Come on, let's talk about it. He sits next to me and smiles.Listens to all of my words, relaxes all of my nerves.
When I feel like I'm losing power...The way you touch me says I'm there for you.It heals me just to hear you say, "I love you."
He's done this so many times, and I don't think he even knows how much he has helped me. This is how a man should love: he shouldn't be a source of drama like so many women experience. A real man who really loves should be a force that brings calm to a stormy day.
...."He Heals Me” is a similar song. Its words resonate within me in the same way.
I told him my biggest secret. And he told me four.This man knows my faults better than anyone else in the world, even my best friends. And yet he still wants to be with me; he still loves me. It fascinates me. I think the greatest thing I have learned about love is that it is unconditional. Both of us are so young, and I don’t know what’s in store for us in the future. I do know that regardless of where we end up, I will always love him because he has taught me so much about what a man should be, and what love should be.
He smiled at me and said, 'That makes me love you more.'
And even when I'm wrong, he is still kind.
He chooses his words wisely when he tells me I'm not right.
And yes, he is a beautiful man.But he is also a beautiful friend.
...He has so much compassion in his eyes.
I have no idea how long he'll be here: a season or a lifetime, forever or a year.But for the first time in my life I'm not worried about the futureBecause we have such a wonderful time when we're together.However things turn out, it's all right cause he's already changed my life.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
These Love Songs That Don't Love Me
“And I'm so sick of love songs
so tired of tears
so done with wishing you were still here.
Said I’m so sick of love songs
so sad and slow
…… So why can’t I turn off the radio?”
-Ne-Yo
How about these love songs? In “So Sick” Ne-Yo is suffering from the spoils of love. He is suffering hard too. “Don’t make me think about her smile or having her first child.” His heart is evidently still with his ex. I can’t speculate on the nature of their relationship, or what caused her to stop loving him, but I have come to the conclusion that that is not important. Regardless of if the love was perfect or misguided, Ne-Yo still feels the shitty spoils of love. It’s really fucked up when you think about it. She is gone. Moseying on with her happy life, moving forward on the next best to train, and he is stuck. Stuck in this cloudy, hellish nightmare. Can’t move backward because she’s gone. Can’t move forward because he can’t stop thinking about all of it over and over again. It sucks. The worst part is that he simply cannot afford to spend one more day stuck in the limbo warp zone because it is slowly eating away at his ability to be happy, his ability to focus, his peace of mind, and perhaps even his sanity. I’m sure Ne-Yo did not know it, but he may as well have been sitting on a time bomb. Every additional day in this state grinds a person down. Further and further down. Everyday closer and closer to the bottom of the pit.
So at this point people who have never been there start making suggestions. I bet this is what happened to Ne-Yo. One of his boys told him, “Dude turn off the fuckn radio, quit listening to these sad ass love songs and pick yourself up.” And Ne-Yo was like I am tired of being stuck. I want to stop thinking about her but I can’t. Even if I turned off the radio in my room, a constant song is playing in my head day and night. “Why can’t I stop turn off the radio?” So, why? Why can’t he turn off the radio?
Reader, at this point I can take this post so many different directions, but since this blog is about love and not about mental health awareness I chose this direction. Jasmine Sullivan asks the question best. Why do we love love when love seems to hate us? After experiencing heartbreak and unreturned devotion and commitment, most of the population does not totally cast interest in pursuing another love relationship aside for all eternity. If people did that after every heartbreak I think humans would be pretty much extinct by now. But that doesn’t happen. Perhaps it’s all biological and people’s instinct to reproduce compels us not to give up on love. Maybe it’s spiritual. After the fall of man and all women were cursed to various degrees, God said be fruitful and multiply. Being fruitful involves so much more than having sex and popping babies. Being fruitful involves bearing the fruits of love. So what can the ladies of FAB Dub conclude about love from this perspective on “So Sick”? Don’t give up on love because of heartbreak. Ne-Yo still has not given up. It’s just not natural to quit loving. Keep the love for love alive. Don’t let your previous experience with love minimize the horizon of possibilities in your future for a love that is deeper, stronger, and possibly knock your socks off. As my favorite author said in Their Eyes Were Watching God “Love is a moving thing and it’s different on every shore.” Like Ne-Yo, don’t turn off the radio. Instead, dedicate each love song that plays to the love of love.
so tired of tears
so done with wishing you were still here.
Said I’m so sick of love songs
so sad and slow
…… So why can’t I turn off the radio?”
-Ne-Yo
How about these love songs? In “So Sick” Ne-Yo is suffering from the spoils of love. He is suffering hard too. “Don’t make me think about her smile or having her first child.” His heart is evidently still with his ex. I can’t speculate on the nature of their relationship, or what caused her to stop loving him, but I have come to the conclusion that that is not important. Regardless of if the love was perfect or misguided, Ne-Yo still feels the shitty spoils of love. It’s really fucked up when you think about it. She is gone. Moseying on with her happy life, moving forward on the next best to train, and he is stuck. Stuck in this cloudy, hellish nightmare. Can’t move backward because she’s gone. Can’t move forward because he can’t stop thinking about all of it over and over again. It sucks. The worst part is that he simply cannot afford to spend one more day stuck in the limbo warp zone because it is slowly eating away at his ability to be happy, his ability to focus, his peace of mind, and perhaps even his sanity. I’m sure Ne-Yo did not know it, but he may as well have been sitting on a time bomb. Every additional day in this state grinds a person down. Further and further down. Everyday closer and closer to the bottom of the pit.
So at this point people who have never been there start making suggestions. I bet this is what happened to Ne-Yo. One of his boys told him, “Dude turn off the fuckn radio, quit listening to these sad ass love songs and pick yourself up.” And Ne-Yo was like I am tired of being stuck. I want to stop thinking about her but I can’t. Even if I turned off the radio in my room, a constant song is playing in my head day and night. “Why can’t I stop turn off the radio?” So, why? Why can’t he turn off the radio?
Reader, at this point I can take this post so many different directions, but since this blog is about love and not about mental health awareness I chose this direction. Jasmine Sullivan asks the question best. Why do we love love when love seems to hate us? After experiencing heartbreak and unreturned devotion and commitment, most of the population does not totally cast interest in pursuing another love relationship aside for all eternity. If people did that after every heartbreak I think humans would be pretty much extinct by now. But that doesn’t happen. Perhaps it’s all biological and people’s instinct to reproduce compels us not to give up on love. Maybe it’s spiritual. After the fall of man and all women were cursed to various degrees, God said be fruitful and multiply. Being fruitful involves so much more than having sex and popping babies. Being fruitful involves bearing the fruits of love. So what can the ladies of FAB Dub conclude about love from this perspective on “So Sick”? Don’t give up on love because of heartbreak. Ne-Yo still has not given up. It’s just not natural to quit loving. Keep the love for love alive. Don’t let your previous experience with love minimize the horizon of possibilities in your future for a love that is deeper, stronger, and possibly knock your socks off. As my favorite author said in Their Eyes Were Watching God “Love is a moving thing and it’s different on every shore.” Like Ne-Yo, don’t turn off the radio. Instead, dedicate each love song that plays to the love of love.
Ne-Yo's Make It Work
I've been told I'm a pessimistic and I guess that's true because I cannot help but look at this song and see the negative. Ne-Yo talks about making it work specifically "we gotta make it work." I cannot help but focus on one word: we. We gotta make it work. It takes two to make a relationship work. It is impossible to do it alone. One of the worse feeling in the world is to feel like you're the only trying to make it work and that your partner isn't. But this is also where it gets confusing because what if your partner is trying but not in the way you want? Then it seems like you are fighting alone even if you aren't. That's such a tough situation to be in (been there, done that).
Ne-Yo also talks about the reality of relationships that isn't pretty. There seems to be no happily-ever after. There will be moments where I am completely in love and there will be moments where I absolutely hate him. That's reality. There's a quote from Scrubs (best show ever) where Carla says that "Every relationship is messed up. What makes it perfect is if you still want to be there when things really suck." I think that is so true. Love takes time and once you're in love, you should do everything in your power to keep it. If you can go through the bad times and still want to be there then your relationship is good. I personally wouldn't say perfect (I am a pessimist after all) but regardless that's a good relationship.
A good relationship takes time and patience. The beginning is always wonderful or at least, that's been my experience. You're finding out about the person, learning all his ins and outs and for me, as a person who loves learning, I love that part. I love understanding what makes someone happy, his hopes, his dreams (then of course, I can find out if I can see myself in those hopes and dreams). I understand relationships take time. It's the patience thing, I struggle with. I'm impatient. I know I have come a very long way in that regard but it's still something I need to work on. There's also an important distinction that I have yet to get. How much patience is enough and how much is too much? Because you can always over do things, you can be too patient and that can be a waste of time, but without patience, you could be rushing into something you have no business doing. I'm aware there needs to be a balance. I'm just not sure what it is. But I am all about figuring it out so I guess that's just something I will hopefully figure out with time.
Ne-Yo also talks about the reality of relationships that isn't pretty. There seems to be no happily-ever after. There will be moments where I am completely in love and there will be moments where I absolutely hate him. That's reality. There's a quote from Scrubs (best show ever) where Carla says that "Every relationship is messed up. What makes it perfect is if you still want to be there when things really suck." I think that is so true. Love takes time and once you're in love, you should do everything in your power to keep it. If you can go through the bad times and still want to be there then your relationship is good. I personally wouldn't say perfect (I am a pessimist after all) but regardless that's a good relationship.
A good relationship takes time and patience. The beginning is always wonderful or at least, that's been my experience. You're finding out about the person, learning all his ins and outs and for me, as a person who loves learning, I love that part. I love understanding what makes someone happy, his hopes, his dreams (then of course, I can find out if I can see myself in those hopes and dreams). I understand relationships take time. It's the patience thing, I struggle with. I'm impatient. I know I have come a very long way in that regard but it's still something I need to work on. There's also an important distinction that I have yet to get. How much patience is enough and how much is too much? Because you can always over do things, you can be too patient and that can be a waste of time, but without patience, you could be rushing into something you have no business doing. I'm aware there needs to be a balance. I'm just not sure what it is. But I am all about figuring it out so I guess that's just something I will hopefully figure out with time.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
John Legend’s Ordinary People
Love isn’t always pretty; sometimes it sucks. And yet we choose to do it anyway because of the hope that it’s worth it in the end.
I’m new to this whole romantic love game, and it confuses the heck out of me. It’s a little funny how everyone thinks they have it figured out in that first stage: the “infatuation phase,” the honeymoon. But we haven’t even touched the true essence of it until we’ve been with someone long enough to be sick of them. Maybe it’s cynical or mean, but I think it’s true. The people I love most – my parents, my siblings, my best friends – they all frustrate me and make me want to scream sometimes, and yet I know that I love them because I never want to be without them despite the aggravation.
John Legend gets it wrong a lot of the time. The music is nice, but the lyrics are bull. (i.e. “She Don’t Have To Know” and the like)… But I think he got this song right. There is beauty in realizing that the person you love is an ordinary person, that you yourself are just an ordinary person. We expect and we accept imperfections from our parents, our siblings, and our friends, yet we resent the imperfections of our mates… I could say a lot about it; it makes sense from an evolutionary perspective I guess. But if we want love to work, we have to learn how to forgive our lovers when they hurt us and how to change when we are the ones doing the harm.
The main conclusion: we should take it slow. It seems so simple, but it just may be the hardest thing to do. Stepping out of the whirlwind of love, and taking the time to truly learn about each other and grow with each other. Those words mean so much to me because I have seen so many girls falling in love too quickly. I let myself do it for the first time in my life. And I think the falling is the trusting – trusting that this person we think we know so well will never hurt us. But we’re all just ordinary people. No one can be everything that you or I need and want. So maybe we should stop falling, or at least stop falling like a tree being chopped down, and instead we should drift like a leaf in the wind. Love is so much better when we take it slow.
I’m new to this whole romantic love game, and it confuses the heck out of me. It’s a little funny how everyone thinks they have it figured out in that first stage: the “infatuation phase,” the honeymoon. But we haven’t even touched the true essence of it until we’ve been with someone long enough to be sick of them. Maybe it’s cynical or mean, but I think it’s true. The people I love most – my parents, my siblings, my best friends – they all frustrate me and make me want to scream sometimes, and yet I know that I love them because I never want to be without them despite the aggravation.
John Legend gets it wrong a lot of the time. The music is nice, but the lyrics are bull. (i.e. “She Don’t Have To Know” and the like)… But I think he got this song right. There is beauty in realizing that the person you love is an ordinary person, that you yourself are just an ordinary person. We expect and we accept imperfections from our parents, our siblings, and our friends, yet we resent the imperfections of our mates… I could say a lot about it; it makes sense from an evolutionary perspective I guess. But if we want love to work, we have to learn how to forgive our lovers when they hurt us and how to change when we are the ones doing the harm.
The main conclusion: we should take it slow. It seems so simple, but it just may be the hardest thing to do. Stepping out of the whirlwind of love, and taking the time to truly learn about each other and grow with each other. Those words mean so much to me because I have seen so many girls falling in love too quickly. I let myself do it for the first time in my life. And I think the falling is the trusting – trusting that this person we think we know so well will never hurt us. But we’re all just ordinary people. No one can be everything that you or I need and want. So maybe we should stop falling, or at least stop falling like a tree being chopped down, and instead we should drift like a leaf in the wind. Love is so much better when we take it slow.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Alicia Keys' Fallin
This song doesn't delve too deeply into the idea of love, but it's a popular song so I thought it would be a good place to start.
I don't know about you but I can relate to the idea of falling in and out of love with someone. It's painful. Love is such a beautiful thing, but when the love is gone, the pain is incredible. Words can't even describe adequately the pain of love. In the past, when I've written on love, it is mostly on the pain of losing love. The pain is great and the feeling is so strong, stronger in fact that being in love. But that's just me. I don't know if y'all can relate to that.
So love involves pain. But how much pain is too much? In looking back, I feel like there are many times (too many times) where I went through a whole lot of pain when I should have just walked away. Even just writing about this is hard. I find myself thinking back on those times and wondering where it all went wrong.
I want to know what love is but my past leaves me confused almost shrouded in darkness. Despite the beauty of the past, I find the past lingering in the most unforgiving way. Holding on and refusing to let go.
But I still have hope. I have to because life without love to me is not a life worth living. The people I love are the people that make this life worth living. They keep me holding on. Suffice to say, I am who I am through others and I am grateful for the ones I hold dear in my life.
Wow, I'm sure this post will probably make no sense but it is the first so cut me some slack. I'll get the hang of this eventually. Love, love, love and then love some more. :)
I don't know about you but I can relate to the idea of falling in and out of love with someone. It's painful. Love is such a beautiful thing, but when the love is gone, the pain is incredible. Words can't even describe adequately the pain of love. In the past, when I've written on love, it is mostly on the pain of losing love. The pain is great and the feeling is so strong, stronger in fact that being in love. But that's just me. I don't know if y'all can relate to that.
So love involves pain. But how much pain is too much? In looking back, I feel like there are many times (too many times) where I went through a whole lot of pain when I should have just walked away. Even just writing about this is hard. I find myself thinking back on those times and wondering where it all went wrong.
I want to know what love is but my past leaves me confused almost shrouded in darkness. Despite the beauty of the past, I find the past lingering in the most unforgiving way. Holding on and refusing to let go.
But I still have hope. I have to because life without love to me is not a life worth living. The people I love are the people that make this life worth living. They keep me holding on. Suffice to say, I am who I am through others and I am grateful for the ones I hold dear in my life.
Wow, I'm sure this post will probably make no sense but it is the first so cut me some slack. I'll get the hang of this eventually. Love, love, love and then love some more. :)
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