So Beautiful

Zora is right! It has been way too long since we've posted anything on this blog so I shall provide this week's blog and hopefully we can get this thing up and running!

I'm not sure if anyone else has noticed but EVERYONE is getting married or at least that's what it seems like. As a recent graduate of Belmont :) I have noticed the countless photos of weddings on Facebook, which begs the question when I am going to get married? This question actually cracks me up because I am not the girl who has been planning her wedding since she was 6 or 7 or whatever age. I haven't and I have no plans of starting that now.

But in truth, I am a little jealous. :/ Of what you may ask? Of the fact that these girls are done dating. They are not worried about the: when is he going to call? does he really love me? And all those other questions I constantly ask myself and I can't be alone in this right ladies? I cannot be the only one who sometimes feels insecure even in the best of relationships.

I think the questions come even more when you are dating versus when you're not and for me it's been difficult to keep those questions from harassing me. Sure I'm dating a great guy but am I even ready for marriage? I can say honestly that there has been more than one occasion when I have thought that I would never get married but then again I may have just not been with the right guy.

...which brings us to this week's song "So Beautiful" by Musiq Soulchild. This song talks about being in love with a girl but it's not this temporary love, he wants to give all his love to this girl for the rest of her life and that's what I'm talking about. Committed love and I guess that's the main source of my envy. Married women have committed love for the whole world to see and celebrate. That's on a whole different level than boyfriend girlfriend.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. I love being with Chris and can picture being with him for the rest of my life but the questions still nag me and our relationship has not been easy. Worth it? Yes but sometimes you still wonder. Luckily, we still have time to decide which I guess detracts from the previously explained envy. I can walk away but when you're married, you're with that person for the rest of your life (or you should be).

Right now I'm enjoying figuring out if Chris is the right one for me. I hope he is but I also don't want to rush into the most important decision of my life. We have actually taken it slow which is amazing if you know my track record :/ (not the best)

Taking it slow in a relationship means taking the time to get to know each other and figuring out if you want to go further before feelings get hurt and marriage is much more than the one day in which you celebrate it: the wedding. I am learning more and more that marriage takes work and it's more than "we love each other" at some point you're going to wake up and think that you made a mistake or just not partically like the person you are next to. But what I've also learned is that love is a choice and in marriage you have to make that decision EVERY single day for the rest of your life so I'm definitely not rushing into that kind of decision but it is fun to think about :)

Sometimes Love Comes Around

Geez its hard to believe no one has posted in the blog in nearly a year. What happened to us guys?? I know I know we have been busy graduating from undergrad, being awesome honor students, and rocking Vanderbilt. Well I'm going to get it started again so with further delay... Here it goes.

"Sometimes love comes around and it knocks you down. Just get back up when it knocks you down." - Keri Hilson

This song is hitting pretty close to home lately. The line above particulary speaks to me. Sometimes love comes around. Sometimes. Isn't that something? Doesn't that suck? Finding someone you love isn't garaunteed thing. There is a possibility that I may never fall in love again, and then there is a possibility that I may fall in love tomorrow. It frustrates me now because I have been wondering when. When is it going to happen again. And is there anything I can do to spend this process up? What do I need to do? But sometimes love comes, and other times... it surely does not.

The second part of this line is also a favorite of mine. When love knocks you down. Isn't that a marvelous feeling. The new love time in your relationship when he makes everything feel all sparkly and tingly inside on a daily basis. The fighting and disagreements haven't started yet, and everything is just ... well good. I'm missing that knocked down feeling. Helloooo. Love, I'm standing right here. Please come knock me down again already! Geez. What does a sista have to do...

Take Me Away

So it's been a while and as a good friend asked me if there were going to be any more posts, I decided to oblige him and write a new one. Although it should be noted that I started on this song a while ago, I just forgot about it.

John Legend's Take Me away:

Take me away from here/Take me away where love is like breathing/I don't care where we go 'long as I'm there with you

As many of you know, I love traveling so as one might expect I love this song mostly because it's about going away and who wouldn't like that? Don't get me wrong I like Nashville but it's getting old just like St. Louis got old with me too (though I will admit there is always a special place in my heart for the STL). Anyways, I like this song because I would love to be taken away to place where love is like breathing, especially because indeed if you're with the right person it doesn't matter where you are, if you're together, you're happy and life is good.

I came to the realization recently that I have been running most of my life whether literally or mentally. It is for this reason that I really love this song. The song talks about a girl who has "been through pain [you] could only dream/nightmares live where you live." And I guess I can relate to that. The feeling that your pain is so great, so extreme that you feel completely alone. I'm no stranger to that feeling and what do we do, in the face of such great pain and misery? We want to be taken away from here, this place of pain and it really doesn't matter where we go as long as we're with that one special person, it is good.

The song is pretty simple but it's message sticks with me. Even in just listening I feel that it takes me away and for a moment everything's alright. It truly has become one of my favourite's for that reason and I am also aware that you can only run away for so long before things catch up with it. It is this part that I'm still wrestling with. So that's all I have for you for now. We'll try to do better with this blog from now on.

The Unthinkable

“If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy…. You give me a feeling that I never felt before and I deserve it, I know I deserve it.”

I was recently involved in a rendezvous with a young man that was the unthinkable. The two of us becoming a couple could have made us look crazy, particularly me. But I think the people who knew us best may have said it was so beautiful. I don’t know. It never went anywhere, and perhaps this was because I could notand even now still am not able to honestly say the next words in the song. “If you ask me I’m ready”. I got the “You give me a feeling that I never felt before, and the “I think I deserve it, I know I deserve it”. After one point, it was pretty hard (but not impossible) to ignore, but I still could not say I was ready. But then again are we ever really ready for the intensity, twists, turns, and obligations of love? Readiness is particularly a struggle for those of us who have been hurt in the past. I guess the damage to heart effects its readiness to be vulnerable to more potential damage. I guess that’s a good thing. A sort of protection. I have to believe that when enough healing is complete my heart and mind will be ready to start something new with a Mr. Unthinkable. I like the last verses of the song. “I can't say I came prepared. I’m suspended in the air. Won’t you come be in the sky with me?” I just love the concept of just being in each other's presence together. We don’t have to fly or even drift. Let’s just be here with each other during this moment. That is definitely what unthinkable and I had. We just enjoyed each other during the time that we had together. No pressuring conversations about commitment and expectations. We just enjoyed each other’s company. There was nothing dirty or lustful about it. Our intentions were honorable and pure. We just liked being with each other, but now Mr. Unthinkable has left the city…. I must say I miss the feeling that I had when I was with him. Thinking about it makes the unthinkable sound more and more like nice idea.

Paris, Tokyo

I have found a new love for Lupe Fiasco. My brother listens to him a lot but I never got into him until I heard "I'm Beamin." If you haven't already heard this song, you should definitely take a listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7D2JA3kCpiQ&playnext_from=TL&videos=a3dpC7npWTI&feature=rec-LGOUT-exp_fresh+div-1r-6-HM

Anyways, all this is to say that I love Lupe Fiasco and it is through "I'm Beamin" that I began consuming his music in large quantities like any addict would. Regardless, I came across a particular song that I wanted to write about because it struck a chord with me.

"Paris, Tokyo" recounts the life of a rap star (aka Lupe) and his relationship with his girl. He travels a lot but she is always on his mind and he keeps her in his heart. Very cute. If only the truth of long distance relationships was that simple, but I've been through several and let me tell you they never are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pp2uqGLNm5k

My track record with long distance relationships isn't a good one. Relationships are hard without the added difficulty of being apart most of the time. Yet I found myself in more than one which of course begs the question: why? Why would someone go through the pain and pleasure of a long distance relationship? I guess I could say that maybe I felt like I had no other options or that my desire to be with that person far outweighed my doubts about a long distance relationship. I guess I tired because I wanted to believe that we could make it work despite the obvious obstacles.

This is just one side to this song though. To me, another part of the song resonated with me and that was about travel.

Let's go to Paris/Wake up in Tokyo/Have a dream in New Orleans/Fall in love in Chicago/Then we can land in the Motherland/Camelback across the desert sand/Take a train to Rome or home/Brazil for real...

My life has revolved around traveling for a very long time. My parents were both raised in New Jersey but as we never lived there, we were constantly traveling to get there whether it was from South Carolina where I was born, Michigan where one of my brothers was born or St. Louis where I spent most of my life. We always traveled and I have become an addict especially after a semester in South Africa. So yes, I love this song because it talks about traveling all across the world and I can't imagine anything better.

Except one thing. The love and security that one person can bring. I cannot help but think that I cannot have both. I find it hard to believe that I can travel and still maintain a relationship. That's hard. Do I have to sacrifice one for the other or is there a way I can have both? This has been a thought on my mind a lot as I try to figure out what exactly I want to do after graduation (a year from now).

But I also cannot help but think that I am going about this all wrong. Whose to say I cannot have it all? Travel and a great relationship. I reminded of a line I heard somewhere (I cannot recall where) that goes "Your playing small does not glorify Him." So me tripping over trying to pick between a relationship and travel is foolish. Mostly because it is a choice I don't have to make currently but the thoughts still haunt me. I love travel but can I really have both?

I have express my doubts, now let's look at the possibilities. While in South Africa before we lost both our resident director and teacher, those of us in SA were fortunate enough to have two great people whose passion for South Africa was absolutely intoxicating AND they were married AND had a son. They amazed me because before then and still now I cannot imagine that reality. (They were American, btw). So I guess it is a possibility so perhaps I should not worry. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. I just have to careful. Am I willing to sacrifice travel for a boy? I'm not sure about the answer to that but I know that this guy better be pretty special for me to do all that. I'm just glad as of yet I do not have to make that choice.

Hey Ladies

Why is that men can do us wrong? Why is that we just decided to keep holding on? Why is that we never seem to just have the strength to leave?

Too often I see women putting them into these situations. Bad situations. But for now, I will talk from my experience. As far as I know, I have never been in a situation where a man (or boy) has cheated on me. I am thankful for that. I cannot imagine being in that situation. But I have had situations where I should have left the relationship but I didn't. I held on, maybe because I thought things would change or maybe because I just didn't want to be alone. That's sad because I feel like I could have saved so much more time and heartache by just finding the strength to leave.

So then the question is where do you find the strength to leave, if you are in that situation (side note: this has nothing to do with something I have going on now). It can be hard, so hard to admit when a relationship has run its course especially if you have gotten to be really close friends with that person. I lost my best friend in my last relationship and that was hard to let go of. Friends can help a lot with making the decision to leave easier. If you have friends that have your back, then losing your best friend isn't as hard because you have people that can 'replace' him (though replacing someone is impossible). Also it helps to be honest with yourself. That sounds simple but I know that that has been something I have personally struggled with. If I'm honestly not happy with someone, why do I stick around? Good question. I guess it goes back to the whole loneliness thing. I don't like being alone if I can be completely honest. So I guess part of the answer is learning how to be alone. There's a line from an Indie Arie song that "sometimes I'm alone but never lonely. That's what I've come to realize"

I need to get more comfortable being alone. In truth, I am an introvert so being alone is something I do. But I have had times in my life when I am so used to being with someone that I forget how to be alone. It is a useful skill especially when it comes to a break-up. If you're ok being alone, then the break-up isn't as hard. You just have to get to that place and it may not be something that happens overnight, like most things, these things take time. So patience is key which of course is something I've always struggled with. But at least for now I have an idea on what I need to work on. I need to work on being alone but not lonely. Sounds easy enough. Now to do like Nike and just do it. What's stopping you?

What Is Love?

I have completely avoided any spirituality up until now, but it's been a while since I posted, and it seems I'm not going to have anything new to say except as it relates to my relationship with Christ. I love those times when he just completely shuts you up to anything except for himself. Or actually, I hate those times, but I can't deny that they're incredibly good for me. Like fresh spring water, right Zora?

I recently heard a new song entitled (get this) "What Is Love?" That just screams Love through song, right? So ask me why it's taken me this long to mention it. Go ahead, ask me... Well, I'm glad you asked. It's because I am the quintessential prodigal child. Yep, I'd much rather run like hell than return to my Father with my head hung in shame even though he welcomes me with arms wide open. Which brings me to the real point...love.

What is love? Our God has heard our groaning.

And has remembered, in steadfast love, the covenant.

Christians have such a great tendency to skip all the way to Jesus. And yes, Jesus is the main point of the story. But you can look from the very beginning and see the love of God displayed so beautifully. This God, my Lord, looked down from heaven and chose a people, and he was faithful to his people through all their mess. If you read the Old Testament, you'll see. Israel is the blessed nation chosen by God, but they spit in his face over and over again. They served other gods and did not put their trust in their true Savior. Yet every time God's people humbled themselves and turned back to him, every time they started to complain and cry about the harsh bondage they had led their own selves into, God heard them and he remembered the free covenant he had made with them. And just so no one gets confused, you'll see later in this blog that I admit, I am just like Israel, and God is yet faithful to me. And I'm sure there are others who have the same testimony. Absolutely amazing.

What is love? We are considered blameless

Even though, for his death, we are to blame.

What is love? The King has purchased our freedom

From ourselves, the world, and the enemy.

Well, there you go. See, I told you I'd get to the New Testament, the Jesus part. You've all heard it, and I know that no amount of words could truly express the depth of love displayed in Christ's act of sacrificial love. But I honestly don't have much to say to expound upon the main idea. What's more important for me to say right now is expressed in the final verse of this song:

What is love? Our God breaks the cycles

That we find ourselves in constantly.

What is love? Our God pursues his people

Even when they turn back to their Egypts.

What is love? To die to self and selfish gain

And to trust the love that God has for us.

I heard this, and I thought Oh My God. Oh MY God. You ARE this God. Yes, you were faithful to the Israelites. Yes, you died for our sins so that we wouldn't have to pay that price. But wow, God. After all of that, you are still presently working in my life tonight, in this very moment. This moment when I feel my mind running over the same thoughts and my heart running over the same hurts, you are here, and you break that horrible cycle. That moment when I feel like I need to hide from you because I can't even remember how to pray, YOU seek after ME. What manner of love is that?! And all that you ask, the bare minimal amount of love that you desire in return for everything that you have done for me, is that I give up on these selfish things that don't fulfill me anyway. That I learn to be held by you, and trust YOUR love, the only love that will absolutely NEVER fail me. Oh my God.